Thursday, November 24, 2011

So those of you who know me are aware of my deliberate addiction to the Twilight series; not because they were great books, but because having them and being able to pick them up and read them instead of gambling saved my life.  I know that is melodramatic, however it is pretty close to the truth.

Anyone who has an addiction can relate; when you can't stop there is a feeling of wanting to end it all just to break the craving.  The knowledge that you have no control over your own desires or abilities. Hopelessness.

There were times that I thought if I was in a car accident it would be the easy way out.  Looking for a way to escape is a constant mental litany for most addicts.  All I could think about was the fact that I was gambling and couldn't take care of myself, that I was going to be one of those little old ladies that wear Depends so they don't have to leave the machine and go to the restroom.

I hid it from my friends and family.  I know the kids were pretty irritated if they found out I was sitting in front of a machine, so maybe I wasn't that good at hiding it.  But I don't think they realized the extent of it.  I could describe my behavior and specific situations, but that is baring more of my soul than I want to.  Suffice it to say I experienced one of the most extreme addictions to gambling
that I ever saw. I seriously didn't see a full paycheck for years, and the moment the check was in the bank I would be in the hole, to cover what I lost when I gambled. The only reason it didn't get worse is that I never owned anything I could pawn or outright sell.

According to Jonathan Pearlman, Sydney (Australia)  "A new guideline for doctors published on the Medical Journal of Australia’s website calls on practitioners to treat gambling addiction as a medical problem and recommends the use “with caution” of the drug naltrexone.....The drug, usually used to treat problems such as heroin and alcohol addictions, can help to block the overproduction in the brain of endogenous opioids and to assist people to control their impulses."

Addictions can happen to anyone; it has less to do with intelligence than it does state of mind.  You see, there is an area of the brain that is stroked, no matter what the addiction is, a feeling of being able to do anything, accomplish anything.  It puts you in a state of false well being we can't extend to our
everyday life.  Then it turns to a feeling of hopelessness and the knowledge that you are not strong enough to overcome what is happening to you makes you feel even worse.

Anyhow, my original intention was to comment on the latest movie of the Twilight series.  Yes, I have read the series about 12 times, over the period of a year.  I guess I needed to explain why I read it that many times.  To be able to fixate on something long enough to overcome the desire to go gamble (drink, do drugs) until the next time the need hits.....well, it was a blessing.

The first movies were pretty good if you like that kind of thing, but they didn't really approach the reality of being sucked in like reading them did.  This last movie was completely the opposite.  I felt almost vindicated that this was a series that helped me so much, thankful that I could connect and become absorbed in Breaking Dawn, Part 1 the same way I did the written series.  Thank you
Stephenie Meyer, from my heart.


  1. Love this post. I love how real your blog is..

  2. Awesome, Collie! Thanks for being willing to share such an important story with us. I, too, am thankful for how much the Twilight series was able to help you overcome. It is great to see how you have blossomed these past couple of years. I love you :)

  3. now i like the series even more! glad it helped you, and that you could share this with us :)

  4. I have an addictive personality (no, people don't get addicted to me, I get obsessive about stuff until I get tired of it and move on to the next thing), and I totally relate to how you deal with it. Good for you!