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There was a time when I loved life.
Amazing that mom thinks that it doesn't matter that I don't have so much of my own stuff, or that what I do have is crammed in corners, laying on the floor in heaps, as she jokes about my recent frivolous purchases. (I reminded her that when she used to get out and shop she would come home with items that had nothing more valuable than the aesthetic feel it could provide.) She commented to my son that I would probably not notice it if he cleaned my stuff out of the garage, it had been so long I probably wouldn't even notice.
Amazing to think it doesn't occur to anyone that I hate not having my own car. This thing that I drive around is what dad chose because he liked the last car he owned so much.....mom could get in and out with minimal fuss.
Amazing, as well, that she thinks I spend my money on frivolous stuff, junk if you will... (self preservation ?) just because I don't have areas that I have staked as things that I could organize and decorate myself has never stopped me from accumulating the silly.
...and amazing to think that I still feel like I am living on the fringe, utilizing someone else's space even though she truly doesn't mind that my things get left on the dining room table or stacked in the corner, and after all this time, I have not managed to organize the space I do have.
She recently made the comment that her house doesn't feel like her home anymore (missing dad). I understand the feeling, its been so long since I have had the freedom of privacy, or the freedom to decorate a wall the way I would like, to display the paintings I have done.
Why have I needed permission to set the kitchen up the way I wanted? Because she still uses it occasionally, and doesn't know where I or Dawn or Darcie puts things. It is still her kitchen, I am just the chief cook and bottle washer.
Why did I stop painting? As far as the paintings go, I have nowhere to display any of them, and it doesn't feel okay to 'create' then toss them around to be ruined. People don't realize that we sometime allow the minor comments or observations affect what we do. Guess I let the comment 'don't know what you are going to do with all of those....' bother me. They could have been Christmas presents. But they are not painted, because I allowed the comment to influence me.
I am amazed that I have allowed myself to feel this way. No one would mind if I claimed my life back, staked an area to reflect my personality, actually said, no it isn't okay that my stuff gets lost, ruined or neglected. After all, don't we control our own lives?
Do it Collie! You deserve to do these things, to buy things.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry mom but grandma needs to let you live your life. It upsets me too, and i love her, but you do need to claim what is yours and control your life. Don't let anyone elses thoughts, actuions, words effect your happiness and joy. It's all in you to do what you need to do. love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to this whole post! We let ourselves not only get backed into corners (crammed with our stuff) but we allow little comments that the commenter makes without thinking affect how we live our lives. Years ago, YO took a comment his dad made to heart about his writing, and he put his writing aside because of it. I wonder if he would have been a published author right now had it not been for the careless comment.
ReplyDeleteWe have a grumbly mother. We always have. She finds plenty to complain about and not much to be positive about which is kind of odd considering her beliefs.
I miss that you paint. What in the world did mom do with all of her paintings? Shove them under her bed when she ran out of wall space. PAINT!!!!!!!!! You're so amazing at it!
I'm so glad you wrote this out. One of these days we'll have that house that we can decorate and feel comfortable in ANY room... and we'll have a space for our creativity and no one will complain about it. So there.
For now sis... as soon as I can step away from my own mess and same kinds of feelings... I'd love to come over and spend the day in your bedroom with you, organizing and decorating. Shoot.... let's do the extra bedroom too. You have a GREAT decorating style. I'm sure it's even worse now that the weather has turned and you don't have the warmth of the deck to do what you want with.
Don't let mom get you down too much. Well, I know that's a bit impossible because you are her roommate and care giver so you are around it all the time. But I hope you know how much I appreciate all that you do for mom AND the rest of us. I love you so much.
It's one thing to know that we can control the things in our lives, it's another to do it. You sound unhappy, Collie, and that's just not a good way to go through life.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your mom, take your sister up on her offer, do whatever it takes to feel as if you're taking a little control of your own happiness again. Please, do it for you. You're worth it!
Hi there - I'm not sure how I got to your site - perhaps your line about midlife crisis and your return to painting? No need to go into details but I hear you. I also resonate well with your comment about what to do with the paintings? I lose myself in acrylics - and these are not sweet and pretty but more bold and not something that lots of people would like. BUT I LIKE THEM. and then they end up in a box under the bed. Keep on painting.
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