New Year's Day

What if you can't sleep?  What goes through your mind?  If it is the first day of the new year?  3:28 a.m. and counting......

First thoughts......

The family I have been blessed with, and how, after so many years I have been put in a position to be able to help when needed.  The past is a tired old story of my selfishness, and the extreme selfishness of the man I am still married to....and shouldn't be.   So I cover the insurance for my youngest son, even though he is not driving right now;  yeah he pays me, but he uses my vehicles and I keep it just for him...then there is the Santoyo of my heart, my monthly payment to one of  her bills because I had the benefit of using her credit to start myself out with independence -- at least that is the way I felt about the laptop she made sure I could buy; that brings me to Chris, who has been so far for so long I am sure he never felt the love of the family.  I have spoken of what he has done for me, how could I not do what I can to make sure they get through their rough patch?  And, finally the child who helped me find my spirit as a young woman, the one who saved me.  She was named after an Alfred Hitchcock movie.  It was actually about a psychotic woman who needed help. (Subconscious mirror?)  For many many years Marnie needed the kind of help I couldn't provide, (no, she is not psychotic! lol) but the time has come that we seem to be walking on the same plain (or is it plane? -- where is Yo when I need him?). The desire to help her comes easy.  The children, each a child of my heart, each a different reflection of what is inside me, I count myself blessed.  If this is all I have going into the new year, then I am a wealthy woman, because I love each of them more than ever.

......more of what keeps me awake?

Finances.......what does a 57 year old woman do when she never had a plan or built a dream?

• Thoughts of how to power save over the next 10 years.  Pay off a couple of credit cards, then all of that money can be used for a savings account.  (I actually would like to retire someday)
• My creativity comes in a couple of guises...painting, which I set aside while I blogged for Birds and Blooms.  Writing, most young American girls' dream; I am not so young, but I have the tools to make mine work for me.  If I brainstorm there could be something there.
• Actually focus and quit spending money on things I don't need:  coffees three days a week, quit being too lazy to pack a lunch, cigarettes....oh the vices.  lol
• Ways to make money with what I have -- creativity, what a concept!

Then, of course, my writing, the direction the stories should go.....

My story, the one I have conjoined with my family, the one that started as a challenge, and it may turn out to "be" something.

Then  my "Awakening", the story of the healing of the world. Fantasy, of course, but if I had to choose one thing in my life that I ever finish, that would be the one.

Mama........

What can I say?  I would do anything for my mother.  I certainly don't know what I would have done without her.  Oh, there has always been that "psychological relationship" between a mother and her first daughter between us.  I know she always felt it with her mother.  I never feel like I quite measure up.  I know she would laugh more with Dawn here instead of me and her admiration for Becki is deep.  But she had the same inadequate feelings with Grandma.  I have learned to ignore it, managed to figure out how to be myself and live under the same roof with her.  She has given up control in her life and has had to learn to trust me like she trusted dad.  That is a different feeling of never measuring up, but I figured it out --- by not using the same measuring cup, I am able to fulfill that part in her life I was meant to:  her daughter that loves her so much.

I have always hated the saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."  Extremely trite, such as "Just say no", or "Don't worry, be happy".

But the saying actually means something to me:  I have control over how my life is to go.  If I can be happy too, then I win.